No one ever told me that as a mother you would be required to answer so many questions. Had I known this in advance, I would have shunned all questions in the 5 years prior to my first child in preparation. Or, at least I would have been fitted for a hearing aid which would inexplicably start acting up right around dinner time and then magically be better by 8:01pm.
First of all, there are all the math related questions. Somehow early on, my husband convinced our son that I was the MATH PARENT. Apparently, you automatically become the MATH PARENT if you know how to do formulas in Excel and you don’t recoil at the thought of spending 20 minutes of your free time working a Soduku puzzle. The good news is that I have my dad as the back up MATH GRANDPARENT. He got me to believe that he was smarter than any math book I ever had, and so I’m hoping that I can lean on his experience especially once my kids get to Geometry. I’m already having trouble remembering how to calculate the area of a triangle. Being the MATH PARENT can be tiring especially when you child expects your brain to operate faster or at least at the same speed as a $5 calculator. Recently Quinn asked me the following: “How many seconds would someone have lived if they died exactly when they were 100 years old and 1 second?” Rather than try to understand why this was a question of interest, I smartly responded back with a question of my own, “Well, how would YOU go about figuring that out?” He then explained it would be 60 seconds in a minute x 60 minutes in an hour x 24 hours in a day x 365 days in a year x 100 years + the 1 second of course. “Great job!” I say. Pause. I realize that he is still waiting for the answer. There is no calculator or scratch paper within reach. And so without missing a beat, I redirect but stay within topic, “Do you think you will live to be that old?”
Then there are what I call the Almanac questions. Usually they are multi part questions that have to do with geography. My husband is the LANGUAGE ARTS PARENT which I think should include all things related to geography, but apparently not everyone has gotten the notice on that one. It’s questions like “Where is the hottest place in the world?” followed with “And what was the hottest temperature ever recorded there?” The thing about the Almanac questions is that even if you don’t know the answer, they still want you to guess. And even when you have guessed, then there’s always the follow up: “Okay, now where’s the second hottest place in the world?” Be forewarned: The only way out of the Almanac questions is to fake a stomachache and run to the bathroom. But make sure to run to the bathroom on another floor where you aren’t still within earshot.
For awhile I thought that I might try to use some of my business travel time to GET SMARTER by reading more books related to subjects that my kids were interested in or at least make it through a full issue of “The Economist.” But then once I’m in the hotel room, I remember that I can paint my fingernails and no one will be able to touch me for the 30 minutes I need for them to dry. Not only that, but I can call the hotel operator as many times as I want and every time they will say, “Yes, Ms. Ballbach, what can we get for you?” They can’t even get mad at me if I call like 10 times in a row. Even if they do start to think I’m a little crazy because I’ve called to triple check my wake up call, they still keeping calling me “Ms. Ballbach” and asking me if there is anything else I need. I want to ask the nice voice on the hotel phone to please come up to tuck me into bed with a massage, but then I remember that this is inappropriate and so instead I put on my comfy robe, pillage around the mini bar for some chocolate, and turn on the TV to watch something completely uneducational . When I wake up in the morning, I unfortunately have not gotten any smarter, but my nails do look fabulous.
Another favorite are the “Best and Worst” questions. My husband might add here that this is a genre of question I happen to be quite good at myself. Not too long ago while we were looking for a gas station, Quinn piped up from the backseat to ask “Mom & Dad, what is the best gas?” To which we told him that we were looking for an ARCO. Not satisfied with the response, he retorted, “No, I didn’t say the cheapest gas but the best gas?” Alrighty then. It was time for a lesson in the concept of commodity goods. Gas as one example. Milk as another example we explained. “So why then do you worry about buying Organic Milk?” Okay, yes there is organic vs non organic milk and skim vs 2% -- okay let’s use a better example, flour. Gas and flour are commodity goods. “So white and wheat flour are the same?” “No, actually they are not the same. And you know, now that I think about it, SHELL probably has the best gas.”
I love the fact that Lawton cannot yet ask me any questions that I can’t answer. I also love the fact that he doesn’t yet know that Quinn can do math in his head better than I can. Since he is only 7 months old, what Lawton appears to need most from me right now is access to my face for his gnawing pleasure. I think he would actually prefer something more soothing than a hunk of flesh to alleviate his teething pain, but since he currently lacks both verbal and motor skills and because it’s hard to have a teething toy on you at all times, he appears to take whatever is most readily available which is flesh first, and hair second. The flesh part hurts like you wouldn’t believe because if there’s one thing a baby can do, it’s grasp things really tight. And unless you’re committed to cutting your baby’s nails as often as you brush your teeth, he’s as dangerous as a frisky kitty. Thankfully, I have a good head of hair on my shoulders and so have been able to spare a lot of it. At least I think the hair pulling is related to teething. Either that or he is trying to tell me that he’d prefer something other than that green crap we keep calling “Yummy Spinach and Potatoes.”
The most troubling category of question are the ones that offer few clues. It’s the question that often goes something like this, “Mom, what is that thingy that I like?” “Hmm… by thingy, do you mean the globs of butter you like on your bread or that toy that isn’t actually yours?” Your first response will never be correct, so be prepared for the increase of volume when the same general question is repeated which may or may not have an additional helpful clue, “NO, Mom, what is that thingy that I like on the TV?” Oh, now I understand – the “on the TV” part is just what I needed. “You mean that funny Budweiser commercial I told you not to watch where the man gets hit in the head and falls down.” “Yeah, that one!”
Some of the hardest questions are the ones that have to do with Faith and Theology. This is where I just wish they would stick to understanding that Jesus loves them because the Bible tells them so. How do you even begin to try to explain the concept of Faith to a 4 your old who still doesn’t always trust that you will make good on your promise to feed them again in the next 6 hours. If they can’t see the next meal, how do they know it will be there? This makes even the most elementary discussion of the Trinity naturally tricky. Not too long along, Quinn asked us, “What is Exodus about?” “You mean, the whole book of Exodus as in the second book of the Old Testament?” “Yep, that one.” Okay, Brett, quick grab the Concordance. In the meantime, I take this opportunity to mention that the 10 Commandments are described in Exodus and that God has chosen to put the one about “Honoring your Mother and Father” right in the middle as #5 so it wouldn’t be easily overlooked.
Once you give an inch, they take a mile. This is really true when it comes to Foreign Language. As soon as you let on that you know a few words in another language, they expect you to know them all. I was recently reviewing the names of primary colors I knew in Spanish with Colin. Verde, Azul, Rojo, Blanco, Negro. Just when I’m feeling pretty good about my recall from high school, Colin blurts out, “Yeah, but how do you say magenta in Spanish?”
Then there is the whole category of Sports related questions. Just because I am a member of this household does not mean that I also study the Sports page for fun. Colin expects that I should know every MLB player on every MLB team by their number. He asked me recently, “Mom, who is #23 on the Cubs?” Of course, I don’t have a clue and so move towards the Sports page for some assistance. When I come up with what I think to be the right answer, the incorrectness of my response is met with great irritation. “No, Mom, who was #23 on the Cubs team we played last night?!” Oh, how could I be so silly? Not only am I supposed to commit the entire MLB to memory, but apparently I should know all the 9 year old Pony League players as well. Since I’m not willing to call the coach of the Pony League Cubs team to find out who #23 is, I do the next best thing – I guess. Scanning brain – think of most popular boy name from the year 1998. “Oh, do you mean Jacob?” Yes, mercifully, that is who he means.
So when I get home from work and my husband asks a simple question like “What should we have for dinner tonight?” this is the context for why my body starts to twitch uncontrollably and why when I’m not being careful, something not very nice sometimes comes out of my mouth. Those are the usually the nights when the kitchen closes early, Mama says she’s not playing 20 Questions for the rest of the day, and we order pizza.
First of all, there are all the math related questions. Somehow early on, my husband convinced our son that I was the MATH PARENT. Apparently, you automatically become the MATH PARENT if you know how to do formulas in Excel and you don’t recoil at the thought of spending 20 minutes of your free time working a Soduku puzzle. The good news is that I have my dad as the back up MATH GRANDPARENT. He got me to believe that he was smarter than any math book I ever had, and so I’m hoping that I can lean on his experience especially once my kids get to Geometry. I’m already having trouble remembering how to calculate the area of a triangle. Being the MATH PARENT can be tiring especially when you child expects your brain to operate faster or at least at the same speed as a $5 calculator. Recently Quinn asked me the following: “How many seconds would someone have lived if they died exactly when they were 100 years old and 1 second?” Rather than try to understand why this was a question of interest, I smartly responded back with a question of my own, “Well, how would YOU go about figuring that out?” He then explained it would be 60 seconds in a minute x 60 minutes in an hour x 24 hours in a day x 365 days in a year x 100 years + the 1 second of course. “Great job!” I say. Pause. I realize that he is still waiting for the answer. There is no calculator or scratch paper within reach. And so without missing a beat, I redirect but stay within topic, “Do you think you will live to be that old?”
Then there are what I call the Almanac questions. Usually they are multi part questions that have to do with geography. My husband is the LANGUAGE ARTS PARENT which I think should include all things related to geography, but apparently not everyone has gotten the notice on that one. It’s questions like “Where is the hottest place in the world?” followed with “And what was the hottest temperature ever recorded there?” The thing about the Almanac questions is that even if you don’t know the answer, they still want you to guess. And even when you have guessed, then there’s always the follow up: “Okay, now where’s the second hottest place in the world?” Be forewarned: The only way out of the Almanac questions is to fake a stomachache and run to the bathroom. But make sure to run to the bathroom on another floor where you aren’t still within earshot.
For awhile I thought that I might try to use some of my business travel time to GET SMARTER by reading more books related to subjects that my kids were interested in or at least make it through a full issue of “The Economist.” But then once I’m in the hotel room, I remember that I can paint my fingernails and no one will be able to touch me for the 30 minutes I need for them to dry. Not only that, but I can call the hotel operator as many times as I want and every time they will say, “Yes, Ms. Ballbach, what can we get for you?” They can’t even get mad at me if I call like 10 times in a row. Even if they do start to think I’m a little crazy because I’ve called to triple check my wake up call, they still keeping calling me “Ms. Ballbach” and asking me if there is anything else I need. I want to ask the nice voice on the hotel phone to please come up to tuck me into bed with a massage, but then I remember that this is inappropriate and so instead I put on my comfy robe, pillage around the mini bar for some chocolate, and turn on the TV to watch something completely uneducational . When I wake up in the morning, I unfortunately have not gotten any smarter, but my nails do look fabulous.
Another favorite are the “Best and Worst” questions. My husband might add here that this is a genre of question I happen to be quite good at myself. Not too long ago while we were looking for a gas station, Quinn piped up from the backseat to ask “Mom & Dad, what is the best gas?” To which we told him that we were looking for an ARCO. Not satisfied with the response, he retorted, “No, I didn’t say the cheapest gas but the best gas?” Alrighty then. It was time for a lesson in the concept of commodity goods. Gas as one example. Milk as another example we explained. “So why then do you worry about buying Organic Milk?” Okay, yes there is organic vs non organic milk and skim vs 2% -- okay let’s use a better example, flour. Gas and flour are commodity goods. “So white and wheat flour are the same?” “No, actually they are not the same. And you know, now that I think about it, SHELL probably has the best gas.”
I love the fact that Lawton cannot yet ask me any questions that I can’t answer. I also love the fact that he doesn’t yet know that Quinn can do math in his head better than I can. Since he is only 7 months old, what Lawton appears to need most from me right now is access to my face for his gnawing pleasure. I think he would actually prefer something more soothing than a hunk of flesh to alleviate his teething pain, but since he currently lacks both verbal and motor skills and because it’s hard to have a teething toy on you at all times, he appears to take whatever is most readily available which is flesh first, and hair second. The flesh part hurts like you wouldn’t believe because if there’s one thing a baby can do, it’s grasp things really tight. And unless you’re committed to cutting your baby’s nails as often as you brush your teeth, he’s as dangerous as a frisky kitty. Thankfully, I have a good head of hair on my shoulders and so have been able to spare a lot of it. At least I think the hair pulling is related to teething. Either that or he is trying to tell me that he’d prefer something other than that green crap we keep calling “Yummy Spinach and Potatoes.”
The most troubling category of question are the ones that offer few clues. It’s the question that often goes something like this, “Mom, what is that thingy that I like?” “Hmm… by thingy, do you mean the globs of butter you like on your bread or that toy that isn’t actually yours?” Your first response will never be correct, so be prepared for the increase of volume when the same general question is repeated which may or may not have an additional helpful clue, “NO, Mom, what is that thingy that I like on the TV?” Oh, now I understand – the “on the TV” part is just what I needed. “You mean that funny Budweiser commercial I told you not to watch where the man gets hit in the head and falls down.” “Yeah, that one!”
Some of the hardest questions are the ones that have to do with Faith and Theology. This is where I just wish they would stick to understanding that Jesus loves them because the Bible tells them so. How do you even begin to try to explain the concept of Faith to a 4 your old who still doesn’t always trust that you will make good on your promise to feed them again in the next 6 hours. If they can’t see the next meal, how do they know it will be there? This makes even the most elementary discussion of the Trinity naturally tricky. Not too long along, Quinn asked us, “What is Exodus about?” “You mean, the whole book of Exodus as in the second book of the Old Testament?” “Yep, that one.” Okay, Brett, quick grab the Concordance. In the meantime, I take this opportunity to mention that the 10 Commandments are described in Exodus and that God has chosen to put the one about “Honoring your Mother and Father” right in the middle as #5 so it wouldn’t be easily overlooked.
Once you give an inch, they take a mile. This is really true when it comes to Foreign Language. As soon as you let on that you know a few words in another language, they expect you to know them all. I was recently reviewing the names of primary colors I knew in Spanish with Colin. Verde, Azul, Rojo, Blanco, Negro. Just when I’m feeling pretty good about my recall from high school, Colin blurts out, “Yeah, but how do you say magenta in Spanish?”
Then there is the whole category of Sports related questions. Just because I am a member of this household does not mean that I also study the Sports page for fun. Colin expects that I should know every MLB player on every MLB team by their number. He asked me recently, “Mom, who is #23 on the Cubs?” Of course, I don’t have a clue and so move towards the Sports page for some assistance. When I come up with what I think to be the right answer, the incorrectness of my response is met with great irritation. “No, Mom, who was #23 on the Cubs team we played last night?!” Oh, how could I be so silly? Not only am I supposed to commit the entire MLB to memory, but apparently I should know all the 9 year old Pony League players as well. Since I’m not willing to call the coach of the Pony League Cubs team to find out who #23 is, I do the next best thing – I guess. Scanning brain – think of most popular boy name from the year 1998. “Oh, do you mean Jacob?” Yes, mercifully, that is who he means.
So when I get home from work and my husband asks a simple question like “What should we have for dinner tonight?” this is the context for why my body starts to twitch uncontrollably and why when I’m not being careful, something not very nice sometimes comes out of my mouth. Those are the usually the nights when the kitchen closes early, Mama says she’s not playing 20 Questions for the rest of the day, and we order pizza.
1 comment:
I LOVE the questions! We have come to the conclusion that we are going to need to start reading these "books" that you speak of right now, if we want to be anywhere near ready for the questions....and we still have at least a good 5 years to go!
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