Hoodie

I always knew that one day my sons would no longer think I was cool. I expected that this would begin sometime around early adolescence and hoped that it would end before global warming destroyed our planet or Howie Mandel started a third career, whichever came first.

What I didn’t expect is that it would happen when my son was 4.

I thought I was doing fine on the cool scale. After all, I know that the Black Eyed Peas are a band, not a legume. I know that Indie Rock is genre of alternative rock and Indi.Arie has a period between her first and last name. I know that Mets third baseman David Wright is da bomb. That’s right – I know Randy, Paula, and Simon. I also know that if at any time I feel compelled to use the word “awesome” that I should not and that a misplaced substitution of the word “tight” might even be worse. And I know (after a Google search) that the TMNT movie playing at my local theatre is a continuation of the (alleged) early 90s teenage mutant ninja turtles phenomenon.

So recently I came home with a newly purchased hoodie for my 4 year old. According to Wikipedia, a hoodie is “a shirt or sweatshirt with a hood. Some hoodies have strings that can be pulled to tighten or loosen the hood.” So this hoodie I found was red (my son’s favorite color), well made (no polyester here), and of course complete with strings to tighten or loosen the hood. You could say this hoodie was tight. It was also on sale.

Wikipedia goes on to add, “The hoodie has become a durable fashion staple, especially amongst younger generations.” This I knew already. You see my 4 year old son has been coveting his older brother’s Red Sox hoodie for the past 6 months which was purchased 2,000 miles away while on a trip to Boston. However, with 5 years and 40 pounds between them, borrowing the Red Sox hoodie has not been an option. Although abstaining from wearing any jacket or coat that is not officially deemed a hoodie in December apparently is.

Turns out my 4 year old’s best friend also has a hoodie. From Disneyland. The one in California.

So needless to say, I was excited coming home with this red, right-sized, durable, on sale, within a 50 mile radius hoodie after a 6 month long discussion of the topic. I called a family meeting to deliver the surprise. First, out comes a second hoodie for my older son. I don’t know if it was that ever-present compulsion to show equity to your children or because it too was on sale. So naturally my older son says, “Thanks Mom .. but why did you get me another hoodie? I already have one … and well, isn’t summer about to start?” Geesh, there is still so much teaching to do before their first relationship – the need for multiples, the seasonality of the sales cycle, the dilemma of the tapered pant. But, after a few moments, he is pleased with his new piece of clothing although somewhat curious as to why I selected a UCONN hoodie given no connection to or real knowledge of the school.

Anticipation is now building for the 4 year old. As he pulls out the red hoodie from the bag, the maternal vomit of the mouth begins, “Look! A hoodie for you! It’s just your size! It’s your favorite color! It’s got a string for you to tighten and loosen the hood! …” As this is happening, my 4 year old is closely examining the hoodie. Finally he interrupts my monologue with this announcement: “MOM, THAT’S NOT COOL.” It is spoken with little emotion, but delivered with utter conviction. I’m not ready for this. Most pre-schoolers still call their mother “Mommy.” I’ve been “Mom” since he was in diapers, so the moniker doesn’t surprise me. What does amaze me however is that my son has just declared something not cool, something beyond the boundaries of his 4 year old fashion sense. This is a boy who has only been alive through one Presidency (which I hope he is able to forget) and who was born the same year that Gigli was released (a movie the whole world is still trying to forget.) And yet, in only 48 months on this planet, he is already acquired a personal sense of style. Like all mothers of preschools, I am equipped to deal with the daily chorus of “I don’t like it.” or “I don’t want it.”, but I am absolutely humbled by this declaration.

In this moment, I realize that there is nothing I can say to make this hoodie cool. It is also in this moment that I realize that perhaps he too is curious as to why I selected a Washington State Cougars hoodie given his love for their rival, the University of Washington Huskies. Did I mention the sale part? Or, the fact that Cougar red is more versatile than Husky purple. Whatever the case, there ain’t no foolin’ a real sports fan – even if he is only 4 years old. I suppose my husband would say that he has the makings of a true sports fan, not one of those fair-weather fans whose loyalty shifts depending on team colors (or is that just me?). I say I’m just glad he isn’t a girl. I also say that I’m glad the hoodie store accepts returns and that summer is just around the corner.